You might be wondering what the signs are that you’re going to get divorced. The truth is, no one can tell you definitively what will make you pull the trigger on ending your marriage, or whether you should or shouldn’t. That’s a deeply personal decision that only you can make. However, understanding what to look for and how to assess your relationship can help you make the right choice for your future.
A Personal Perspective on Difficult Relationship Decisions
As a divorce attorney, I work with people going through relationship breakdowns every day. But I also have my own personal experience with making a difficult relationship decision. I was engaged to be married, and I had to decide whether to go forward with my wedding or call it off and start over.
While I wasn’t already married and didn’t need to decide to end a marriage, the decision felt similar in many ways. A lot was riding on this wedding—it was only a couple of months away. I didn’t have to decide not to get married, but I chose to make that decision. I can’t tell you whether your path will be similar to mine, but I can share some things I did to assess whether it was the right thing for me to go forward with the relationship or not.
The Myth of Universal Relationship Friction
For a long time, I convinced myself that maybe once you’re with someone for a certain amount of time, things just aren’t going to be fun anymore. I thought there would inevitably be friction in the relationship. I told myself that everyone was going through this, and the people who weren’t telling me about it were still experiencing it—it just wasn’t something people talked about. I really believed this for a long time.
But here’s the truth: I did decide to call off my wedding. A few years later, I met a man, fell in love with him, and now he’s my husband. I don’t have any friction like that in my relationship with my husband. I don’t think it ever has to be like that. The person I was engaged to was a great person, but we just weren’t right for each other. If I were still with that person, I can’t imagine where we’d be with having kids together, because children add a whole new dynamic.
That friction—if you’re experiencing that level of ongoing friction—doesn’t have to be there, at least in my opinion, based on my experiences.
Talking to People in Happy Relationships
One thing I did to decide whether to call off my engagement was talk to people I knew who seemed happy. I reached out to people who appeared to be in really happy, loving relationships that I idolized—they represented my paradigm of a good relationship. I talked to my best friend from law school and my parents. I discussed with people who mattered to me how their relationships were, whether they were happy, what it looked like day to day, what thoughts they had for themselves, and what types of challenges they experienced.
What I learned was enlightening. There are many people in genuinely happy relationships. They might have ups and downs or times when things are hard, but in general, people in happy relationships feel grateful and see a future with their spouse.
At the time, I remember having a really hard time seeing that future because things were so difficult. Sometimes it felt hard every day. Other times it felt like a roller coaster—hard for a while, then I’d forget about it and things would be fine, or I’d be focused on work or something else. Then the issues would come up again and affect me, especially when things were stressful with growing my business or when I was dealing with other challenges involving loved ones.
The Foundation You Need for Life’s Challenges
When you don’t have that foundation of support, love, comfort, and stability in your relationship at home, how are you going to take on the world? How are you going to navigate parenthood together in the same house when there’s already so much friction?
This isn’t a statement on the person you’ve chosen to be with. They might be a great person. My ex-fiancé was a great person. Many of my exes were good people—it takes more than one try to make a perfect pancake, right? It’s not a statement that he or she isn’t a good person. But maybe you’re just not right together. You don’t have the right symbiotic relationship. You’re two different personality types, or whatever it might be.
The Power of Weekly Therapy
If you have an inkling that something’s not right, another thing I did was start weekly therapy. I think seeing a weekly psychotherapist can be incredibly valuable. I always look for someone with a PhD after their name—maybe it doesn’t matter, but I personally always do. I always went to an older male therapist, but you should find whatever therapist makes you feel like you’re going to really respect and value their opinion.
Therapy really helped me make my decision. Even after I called off my relationship, it helped me decide who was the right person for me going forward because I didn’t want to make a mistake again. I didn’t want to choose someone for the wrong reasons or the wrong kind of person. I did a lot of internal work to learn who I am and what makes me happy in order to be in a place to find the right person. I suggest anyone do that if they’re going through this kind of identity crisis or personal crisis and questioning what they want for the rest of their life and whether they want to be with this person or not.
Examining Your Core Values
The things everyone talks about are true too. What are your values? What are your values about money? What are your values about family? How often do you want to see your family? How involved are you willing to make family in your life? How do you want to raise your kids?
I told my husband I want to raise my kids Jewish. He’s not Jewish, but he agreed. If you don’t agree on those basic things, that can be pretty tricky.
What are your political affiliations? Maybe that’s not a big deal, but we see many clients who are so different politically that it has a big impact, especially with something like a pandemic. When COVID happened, we had people who wanted to get divorced just because they had such different beliefs about COVID that it created a breakdown in their relationship and in how to co-parent. With recent elections, there have been breakdowns in relationships. These are things to talk about openly—don’t put stuff under the rug. You don’t want to have a relationship just for today; you want it for the long term.
What are your feelings about homelessness, social issues, or other topics that matter to you? You might assume that the person you’re with is going to be respectful, caring, and kindhearted to others, but maybe they’re not. Maybe it’s something you want to ignore for right now, but it’s probably not something you should ignore for the future, especially if you don’t have kids yet. Whoever you’re choosing as a spouse might become a parent to your child, so you want to be really thoughtful about it.
What are your views about having kids? If one of you wants to have kids and one of you doesn’t, that’s probably not going to change. You want to be upfront and direct about it.
The Mental Health and Substance Abuse Factor
One critical topic that comes up with many of our clients is mental health and substance abuse. These are serious topics when you’re deciding whether to stay with someone or not.
If you’re with someone who has a mental health disorder, that’s okay—many people have mental health conditions. The question is: are they receiving treatment? Someone with an untreated mental health disorder can be really difficult to be in a relationship with, because you might feel like you have to be their treatment, and you’re not. You’re your own person with your own life ahead of you. That’s something to really strongly reassess and consider.
The same applies to substance abuse. It’s not your job to make somebody get sober—it’s their job. Substance abuse can cause codependent issues that can really derail the health of your relationship. There are organizations like Al-Anon or NAMI where you can go to get the support you need to make the decision of whether to stay in your marriage or get divorced.
Getting the Right Advice
Sometimes talking to friends and family can help, but consider this: do you want to be in the shoes of the person giving you advice? Is that person in a healthy marriage similar to what you want for yourself, or are they not?
I’m not saying that just because someone’s marriage failed means they’re not someone you can rely on for advice. I just always assess whether the person giving me advice is in a position I would like to be in the future. If not, I try to see that advice for exactly what it is.
As a divorce attorney, I see relationship breakdowns every day. It was really critical for me to make the right decision, because I didn’t want to become one of those stories of the people I feel kindhearted toward and help.
